Comments on: Yep, I’m gay (a public service announcement)

By: omg!! gay people buy tomatoes... i'm shocked, shocked...

omg!! gay people buy tomatoes... i'm shocked, shocked... — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 23:48:06 +0000

i never thought about the possibility that a gay person wouldn’t or would ask as overtly. but it could make sense.
i think a lot of this is due to location (fairfax isn’t market st safeway, but is still sfbay area)
anyway i wouldn’t ask APIJM (or ASPIJM, ATPIJM, AFPIJM, A[n]etcPIJM) about being het or gay. it’s too soon (imo).
i’d only ask when our interactions had reached a level where something contextual (ahem) might happen. and cuz i’m het, i’d sooner wonder if the person was “taken”.
i wonder if it’s more practical for gay person to the ask/confirm “taken” question before the “r u gay” question?

i guess either way i’ve waited too long cuz some other person has simply dragged the babe to the cave within a couple hours (“oh, hello. i need a slave tonight.”)

By: Cynthia Garcia

Cynthia Garcia — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 22:20:20 +0000

I agree with you in this case, people shouldn’t ask people about their sexual orientation unless the person tells them on their own. It’s inappropriate!!!!!!!

By: MidSouthMouth

MidSouthMouth — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 21:37:30 +0000

There is a certain cluster of mostly college-educated, and therefore mostly middlish-class and up, feminist generations that uses “partner” to mean male partner, married or not. This is a sometimes confusing bit of feminism/solidarity/cooptation (not always clear what combination of these).
Queer feminist woman of color here–I have to agree that the abovementioned lines of questioning are often not cool. Imagine if some of us began to answer back things like:

“what sexual positions do you use?”
“yes, among other things”"what will change if you know this?”

when really what we might be thinking is <>

By: Kara

Kara — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 08:31:03 +0000

Melinda, I cannot agree enough with your point of view on this issue.

Manners seem to fly out the window when any sexual or gender identity other than heterosexual is mentioned, as if curiosity somehow overrides the rudeness of asking highly personal questions of someone you’ve just met! I’m dying to respond in kind one day:

Me: “Oh, are you heterosexual? Is it weird being attracted to males?”

As for the partner debate (I am Australian), I would generally agree that ‘partner’ here means the other person in a romantic relationship, irrespective of gender. This was actually discussed in my workplace, where some colleagues thought partner meant ‘unmarried’, some thought it was a hint for ‘same-sex relationship’ and others just thought it was another way of saying ‘husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend’ etc. I even argued that the usage might depend on how committed the relationship is!

By: MicheleinCA

MicheleinCA — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 03:13:25 +0000

It’s odd that people automatically assume that “partner” means someone is gay. I actually hear that term used by more straight women who prefer not to get married, then I do from lesbians and gay men; however, when a straight woman calls her male live-in her “partner” other straight people will jump to the immediate conclusion that she is talking about another woman. Go figure.

By: Gerri

Gerri — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 14:26:43 +0000

As a 26 year old lesbian, I can relate 100% to what you are describing. I love the blog, can’t wait for the book, and hope you post some wedding photos!!

By: Malinda Lo

Malinda Lo — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 16:25:08 +0000

I can see where you’re coming from, and thanks for your comment! The new season of The Lo-Down starts in late August.

I guess for me the problem is, the question “where are you from?” is also fraught with problems, because I’m Asian American. When I get that question, 75% of the time people don’t like the answer I give them. It’s like this:

Them: “Where are you from?”
Me: “Colorado.”
Them: “No, I mean originally.”

That “no I mean originally” part is so laden with assumptions about ethnic background and racial identity. I hate it. Because often, as soon as I tell people I was born in China, they tell me things like, “I love Chinese food” or “My cousin married a Chinese girl.” I know they mean well and are trying to make connections, but to me it is actually painful. I mean, I’m American, you know?

I don’t think it’s an accident that I actually view the “Are you a lesbian?” question in the same light — they hit the same spot, in a way. I hope that someday our culture will change so that people don’t feel a need to categorize us sexually or ethnically/racially.

By: Jo

Jo — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 05:16:51 +0000

Maybe it’s just me, but I kind of prefer it when people ask me outright if I’m gay or not. Even if it’s within the first few minutes of the conversation. I’d say about 90% of the time, whenever I drop some really obvious hint about my sexual orientation (like describing a scene from the L word in detail), and I can tell that though the person I’m talking to is curious to find out my orientation, they’re too polite to ask. And sometimes it gets to the point where it’s just really stupid — as in, you’ve known the person for months now, lent them some of your Melissa Etheridge CDs and shown them clips of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and they’re still too polite to ask.

Point being, I’d like to respectfully disagree. I think life would be easier if more people were comfortable asking about your sexual orientation upon first meeting. If people treated the question “are you gay?” as casually as “where are you from?” then coming out to acquaintances wouldn’t feel so serious for either one of us: it’d just be regular small talk.

Love your writing for Afterellen, by the way, Malinda! When are we gonna see a new episode of the Lo Down? That vlog was so much fun. Looking forward to Ash — horray for glbt mythological deconstruction!

By: Ladybug

Ladybug — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 10:24:55 +0000

I would never have asked a complete stranger about their sexual orientation, and I think that doing so is quite rude. Still I can to some extent understand that the question came up in the first conversation.

I’m really looking forward to read Ash – it’s actually my choice for Waiting on Wednesday this week.

Have a great summer, Malinda!

Mari from Norway.

By: Renee

Renee — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 22:52:26 +0000

Haha surprisingly I’ve gotten that one quite a few times. It’s always an odd thing to answer as well…because what if you don’t think she is?

Or even worse…you think the girl is WAY too good for him