Malinda Lo
Blog
Jun 29, 2009
Yep, I’m gay (a public service announcement)
This past weekend I left my house in the country and spent two days San Francisco to celebrate Pride. This year Pride felt especially special because, well, this is the first year in a long time in which I don’t live in a major metropolitan area where there are tons of gay people. I am enjoying the small town I live in, but it’s not within walking distance of the Castro. Small-town life is just an entirely different experience from walking down the street and spotting half a dozen dykes with lovely tattoos peeking out of their T-shirt sleeves and/or a gaggle of gay boys with perfectly coiffed haircuts.
So. Pride. It felt good to be among the queer folks again. It was comfortable. Practically everybody I saw was gay; they all probably assumed I’m gay — we had a gay old time.
It was basically the opposite of what I’ve had to do more and more this year: come out to total strangers. I know that I’m going to have to continue to do this as Ash is published and I meet more people, who don’t know me, in non-gay settings like bookstores or conferences. I’ve already had to do this a lot this year, and so far, it hasn’t gotten any more fun. Let me show you what typically happens:
AT A BOOK EVENT
Me: Hi, I’m Malinda.
Person I Just Met: Hi! Are you a writer?
Me: Yes. My book, Ash, comes out in September.
PIJM: Oh! What’s it about?
Me (steeling myself): It’s a lesbian retelling of Cinderella.
[Note: I could leave the lesbian part out, but really, that's why my book is different. And somehow that will come out anyway, while the person asks me how my retelling differs from the original tale. It's better, I've concluded, to just shove Ash out of the closet right away.]
PIJM: Really! How unique!
Me (thinking: gee, yeah, being gay is totally unique): Um, yes.
PIJM: Are you a lesbian?
Me (taking a deep breath): Yes.
PIJM: Oh! (awkward pause) Well, good for you!
AT SOME OTHER LOCAL EVENT
Me: Hi, I’m Malinda.
Another Person I Just Met: Hi! I’m [Name]. Do you live around here?
Me: Yes. I live in Fairfax.
APIJM: Oh, Fairfax is so great. How long have you lived there?
Me: Just since last fall.
APIJM: Why did you move out here?
Me: Well, my partner lives here, so I moved here to be with her.
APIJM: Oh! (voice lowered) Are you a lesbian?
Me: Yes.
APIJM: So, when people use the term “partner” does that normally mean they’re lesbians?
Me (confused by the turn of this conversation): Um, sometimes.
I’ve provided you, dear reader, with these two examples of conversations that I have actually had in real life to point out a few things.
1. When you have only just met someone — when in fact you’ve only said two or three sentences to them, and one of those sentences was “Hi, my name is [Name]” — it is not appropriate for you to ask them about their sexual orientation. There are only a couple of exceptions to this rule, such as:
- You are yourself gay and you are trying to figure out whether this person is queer for purposes of solidarity and/or dating. However, even most gay people don’t ask point-blank, “Are you gay?” Instead they’ll do it in a kind of wink-wink, nudge-nudge way that also clearly indicates that they are gay, too.
- You are a reporter and you are interviewing a celebrity or political figure in which their sexual orientation is important for the story. E.g., an expose of someone like Larry Craig.
2. When someone says they live with their partner, generally that means only one thing: They are not single. What does it matter whether their partner is a man or a woman? It’s none of your business.
Now, I do think it’s important for LGBT people to be out. I am out. But when I first meet someone, after two minutes of conversation, I don’t want to talk to them about my sexual orientation. Would you want to talk about yours? I’m directing this primarily at straight people: Think about how weird and potentially invasive it would be to be asked by a virtual stranger, “Are you straight?”
Now, as a public service announcement to anyone who wishes to know (or anyone who googles me after an event whether they met me): Yes, I am gay. I also identify as a lesbian, or a queer person. I do have a partner, and she is a woman. If you’d like to read about my coming-out story, go here.
I realize that not everyone I meet is going to read this blog post. But I hope those who do read it will remember it for the next time they meet someone they believe might be gay. Just wait till you get to know them before you ask about it; or better yet, wait till they volunteer the information themselves.
Because when you, a normal ordinary person, have just met another normal ordinary person, it is not your right to ask about their sexual orientation. It just isn’t.
It actually doesn’t bother me when people I just meet do that, especially if they mean well. Sure, I wouldn’t feel like having a conversation about my sexual orientation, but if all they want to do is assess that I’m gay, I don’t really care.
Is it appropriate to inquire like that? No, not really. But I feel there’s so much worse people could say or do.
I totally agree. I have also recently moved away to the country and am constantly amazed at how frequently I am flat-out asked (with no prelude, in one case it followed on from tomatoes in the supermarket. Yes, tomatoes.) and the prejudice that often accompanies it. I don’t know whether Malinda’s experience was the same, but I get the feeling people are asking in a pointed way where I live now, whereas in town it tended to be more curiosity/trivia to be filed away (and always once we’d met properly). Maybe I’m reading into it, it’s certainly possible, but I’m finding more and more as I move away from town and my time in college surrounded by other LBGT people is becoming more of a faint memory, people are being more obtrusive. However much I try to accept it and spin it as an ambassador role, it still surprises and annoys me.
Jennifer, I get you on the ambassador thing — I’m constantly trying to remind myself that these are opportunities to be an “ambassador”! But I also agree that it can be annoying.
The folks who’ve asked me have been perfectly nice; I don’t think they’re asking because they’re prejudiced or homophobic — I really think they’re just curious because I don’t “look” like a lesbian. Which has its own set of issues, LOL …
Malinda,
It’s an interesting thing you mention the word ‘partner’, because I’ve noticed something … I’m a New Zealand woman who has lived here in the US for just a little off a decade, and back home we use the term ‘partner’ to refer to your SO, in polite, formal, wev, company … whether that person be of same-gender, opposite-gender, married, not-married, etc. Use of the term ‘partner’ in NZ by someone doesn’t actually mean someone is gay, it’s just something we use in NZ because it’s no one’s business what your sexuality or marriage-status is.
However, contrast that here in the US, where the use of the term ‘partner’ most definitely outs you as gay (which I don’t mind, as I think the ambassador thing is kinda something I like doing), but I was kinda taken aback at how that works here.
LOL, I almost can’t believe those conversations were real, except it’s happened to me too. Though I prefer those sorts of conversations to the ones where some random guy asks for my phone number, and then continues to flirt/pursue/be irritating AFTER I’ve politely told him why I’m not interested. In comparison, I like it better when random strangers aren’t trying to get dates…
You know, someone tweeted me about the same thing — I guess Australians and New Zealanders are just more enlightened than Americans!
Oh, hell, Malinda – This would all drive me crazy. I think I’d just get some T-shirts printed, and be done with it. I can only assume that the majority of these people are uneducated morons, masquerading as real people. Where have they been?
Of course, your interpretation is also a factor. Hope you’re not over- anticipating such reactions (although, come to think of it, if this is what it’s like, so far, why wouldn’t you?)
Here’s another example of why no one deliberately chooses the life, even if it’s glorious, most days.
Had to comment re: Kiwi’s using the term “partner.” I went there last year on a trip for 8 weeks and constantly heard people refer to their partner. Being from Canada, at first I kept thinking “is everyone here gay or something” haha. Must to my disappointment, they weren’t.
Once I realized it was a common term…I thought it was pretty cool, actually.
Malinda…I can TOTALLY relate to those conversations where two sentences in you’re already having to explain yourself. And I agree that people seem to be missing their manners in these situations. I often wonder what it will be like once I get married and I say “My wife and I.”
Added to this, I’m sure most queer people could write a loooong list of things they get asked as soon as someone knows they’re gay.
For example:
“Oh, do you know ______? She’s gay”
“So you’ve NEVER slept with a guy?”
“How did your parents/friends/family react?”
“Do you and your girlfriend want to have kids someday? How would you do that?”
“That’s hot”
…and the one I loathe most from guys: “Do you think my girlfriend is hot?”
Anyway, my name is Renée and I am gay too. Happy Pride Malinda!
Ha, T-shirts, I should totally do that. Then at least it would be funny!
Happy Pride, Renee! I’ve never gotten “Do you think my girlfriend is hot?” but when and if I do, I will totally think of you. That’s hilarious.
Haha surprisingly I’ve gotten that one quite a few times. It’s always an odd thing to answer as well…because what if you don’t think she is?
Or even worse…you think the girl is WAY too good for him
I would never have asked a complete stranger about their sexual orientation, and I think that doing so is quite rude. Still I can to some extent understand that the question came up in the first conversation.
I’m really looking forward to read Ash – it’s actually my choice for Waiting on Wednesday this week.
Have a great summer, Malinda!
Mari from Norway.
Maybe it’s just me, but I kind of prefer it when people ask me outright if I’m gay or not. Even if it’s within the first few minutes of the conversation. I’d say about 90% of the time, whenever I drop some really obvious hint about my sexual orientation (like describing a scene from the L word in detail), and I can tell that though the person I’m talking to is curious to find out my orientation, they’re too polite to ask. And sometimes it gets to the point where it’s just really stupid — as in, you’ve known the person for months now, lent them some of your Melissa Etheridge CDs and shown them clips of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and they’re still too polite to ask.
Point being, I’d like to respectfully disagree. I think life would be easier if more people were comfortable asking about your sexual orientation upon first meeting. If people treated the question “are you gay?” as casually as “where are you from?” then coming out to acquaintances wouldn’t feel so serious for either one of us: it’d just be regular small talk.
Love your writing for Afterellen, by the way, Malinda! When are we gonna see a new episode of the Lo Down? That vlog was so much fun. Looking forward to Ash — horray for glbt mythological deconstruction!
I can see where you’re coming from, and thanks for your comment! The new season of The Lo-Down starts in late August.
I guess for me the problem is, the question “where are you from?” is also fraught with problems, because I’m Asian American. When I get that question, 75% of the time people don’t like the answer I give them. It’s like this:
Them: “Where are you from?”
Me: “Colorado.”
Them: “No, I mean originally.”
That “no I mean originally” part is so laden with assumptions about ethnic background and racial identity. I hate it. Because often, as soon as I tell people I was born in China, they tell me things like, “I love Chinese food” or “My cousin married a Chinese girl.” I know they mean well and are trying to make connections, but to me it is actually painful. I mean, I’m American, you know?
I don’t think it’s an accident that I actually view the “Are you a lesbian?” question in the same light — they hit the same spot, in a way. I hope that someday our culture will change so that people don’t feel a need to categorize us sexually or ethnically/racially.
As a 26 year old lesbian, I can relate 100% to what you are describing. I love the blog, can’t wait for the book, and hope you post some wedding photos!!
It’s odd that people automatically assume that “partner” means someone is gay. I actually hear that term used by more straight women who prefer not to get married, then I do from lesbians and gay men; however, when a straight woman calls her male live-in her “partner” other straight people will jump to the immediate conclusion that she is talking about another woman. Go figure.
Melinda, I cannot agree enough with your point of view on this issue.
Manners seem to fly out the window when any sexual or gender identity other than heterosexual is mentioned, as if curiosity somehow overrides the rudeness of asking highly personal questions of someone you’ve just met! I’m dying to respond in kind one day:
Me: “Oh, are you heterosexual? Is it weird being attracted to males?”
As for the partner debate (I am Australian), I would generally agree that ‘partner’ here means the other person in a romantic relationship, irrespective of gender. This was actually discussed in my workplace, where some colleagues thought partner meant ‘unmarried’, some thought it was a hint for ‘same-sex relationship’ and others just thought it was another way of saying ‘husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend’ etc. I even argued that the usage might depend on how committed the relationship is!
There is a certain cluster of mostly college-educated, and therefore mostly middlish-class and up, feminist generations that uses “partner” to mean male partner, married or not. This is a sometimes confusing bit of feminism/solidarity/cooptation (not always clear what combination of these).
Queer feminist woman of color here–I have to agree that the abovementioned lines of questioning are often not cool. Imagine if some of us began to answer back things like:
“what sexual positions do you use?”
“yes, among other things”"what will change if you know this?”
when really what we might be thinking is <>
I agree with you in this case, people shouldn’t ask people about their sexual orientation unless the person tells them on their own. It’s inappropriate!!!!!!!
i never thought about the possibility that a gay person wouldn’t or would ask as overtly. but it could make sense.
i think a lot of this is due to location (fairfax isn’t market st safeway, but is still sfbay area)
anyway i wouldn’t ask APIJM (or ASPIJM, ATPIJM, AFPIJM, A[n]etcPIJM) about being het or gay. it’s too soon (imo).
i’d only ask when our interactions had reached a level where something contextual (ahem) might happen. and cuz i’m het, i’d sooner wonder if the person was “taken”.
i wonder if it’s more practical for gay person to the ask/confirm “taken” question before the “r u gay” question?
i guess either way i’ve waited too long cuz some other person has simply dragged the babe to the cave within a couple hours (“oh, hello. i need a slave tonight.”)