Malinda Lo
Blog
Jan 7, 2009
Q&A #3: How can I come out to people without saying “I’m gay”?
My latest Notes & Queeries column, "Yes I Am," was published at AfterEllen.com over the holidays. In the column, I write about how we as LGBT people generally have to come out over and over again, and I offer some thoughts on making that a bit easier. It was inspired by the film Milk and by seeing Wanda Sykes come out after the passage of Prop. 8. It was also sort of inspired by a comment made by Nelfy on my post "FAQ #1: How are lesbians and gays typically represented in the media?" Nelfy asked:
How can I casually come out to people without saying ‘I’m gay’? I don’t have a girlfriend, so it’s hard for me to just let people know that I’m gay without making is such a big announcement.
My column doesn’t entirely address this question, but it was in the back of my mind as I was writing it. I think that that Nelfy’s question, first of all, comes from the perspective of someone who passes as straight. If you’re a spiky-haired, tattooed, wristcuff-wearing butch dyke, you probably aren’t worrying about letting people know you’re gay. 
For people who pass as straight yet consider themselves quite out, like me, it’s often very jarring to be confronted with the fact that people assume that you’re straight. And if you’re single, it does make it just a bit harder to come out, because you don’t have someone with you to show that you’re queer. (On the other hand, if you’re single, coming out can be a great way to introduce yourself to that cute girl!)
At the heart of this question, though, I hear echoes of something that I felt for a long time: Yes, I’m gay, but I don’t want to tell everyone because it sounds like I’m calling attention to myself or making a political statement, plus they might react negatively — and why are they assuming that I’m straight anyway?
All of those feelings are completely legitimate. The problem is, you can’t really come out without saying the words "I’m gay" (or substitute your favorite term: lesbian, bisexual, queer). I think there is just no other way. The trick is to seize the opportunity to come out in a situation in which the words "I’m gay" seem entirely natural. This way, saying "I’m gay" is just part of the conversation.
For example:
- You’re having a conversation with someone and they mention that they want to introduce you to this great guy. You can casually slip in, "Thanks, but I’m gay."
- Your mom tries to put you in a frilly pink dress, but you’d rather wear cargo pants, so you say, "You do know that I’m a lesbian, right?"
- A girl you met at a party says, "I love that Katy Perry song about kissing girls." You could respond, "Yeah, well I actually do like kissing girls; Katy Perry’s a dork."
- You’re talking to someone about the news, and the passage of Prop. 8 or Rick Warren comes up. You can say, "I feel insulted as a gay person." (Warning: This might lead to an entirely different and difficult conversation.)
Of course, it’s perfectly OK to say "I’m gay" and make it a political statement. I think that coming out is the best way to build bridges to straight people. If you find it nerve-wracking (and I do, still), then it might be helpful to remember what I wrote in my column:
The next time you’re in a situation where you have the opportunity to come out, remember this: There are millions behind you. Every one of us who has come out before and will have to come out again and again, is standing with you. None of us comes out alone.
Good luck! And if you have another question for me, leave it in the comments or email me at mlo at malindalo dot com.
I love this response. I think it’s important to remember just how many times we actually come out, whether we say “I’m gay” or it comes up in conversation as you note…we surely are not alone, and the more people around us who know we’re gay and human, the less outcast we’ll be and feel. Thanks for the post.
Thanks Malinda, you are right im not the first person to come out and its good to know that you to still find it difficult. They are some good ways to come out, even when they are staring me in the face, like someone talking about Ellen or prop 8 i don’t always grab the opportunity. My new years resolution is to start being honest about it, so thanks for your insight, fantastic as usual. Happy writing (:
It amazes me how you always seem to hit home with your topics for discussion.
Something that I have not personally tried yet, but I think would be the easiest way to ‘come out’ without having to say it to each individual person/friend is changing your facebook status. Assuming that you are in contact with most people on facebook, as well as those people you probably knew from highschool, all it takes is changing your status ” so and so is…. gay” or changing something like ‘interested in’ could be coming out methods.
Every time you say “I’m gay” it becomes a little easier and starts to feel more natural.
If it’s the words, you could say something similar like “I’m not really into guys”.
Great examples Malinda. There’s also easy ways you can bring it up yourself, without making a big announcement.
You might not have a gf, but you probably have some ex gfs you could mention. Instead of talking about relationships in a general way, you could just say “I don’t have a gf right now”. You could talk about a gay event you went to etc.
Thanks for the post! Yes, I pass as straight, and I do really hate that other people always just assume that I am. And yes, I do feel like other people will think I’m trying to be political or get attention when I’m coming out to them. I’m not, I just want to get the facts straight, but somehow, they don’t get that.
I really liked your Katy Perry example, I like to talk about Melissa Etheridge and Ellen Degeneres and point their sexuality out to other people as a way to get across that I am gay too, without actually saying it. Sadly, most people don’t really know Ellen here. That and talking about Prop 8/gay marriage are good ways to come out, even though I’ll get even more terrified to come out when someone tells me they are against gay marriage.
It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who still thinks it’s nerve-wracking every single time. I thought that after I’d come out to my parents, it would be that much easier, but it really isn’t. I still get nervous every single time. Thanks for your tips and thanks for saying that we are not alone. Feels good to know that there’s a whole community supporting me if I need it.
MLo,
I’ve always loved your writing. That hasn’t changed.
This is an interesting topic because, as you know, I pass for butch lesbian and I work with college students.
Today, I was having a long and involved personal conversation with one of my student workers. We were talking about our favorite tv shows. I found myself hesitating when I started to say, “My girlfriend…” Once I realized that I was in a safe space, I felt I could continue.
Even though I pass for gay, I still know the fear of coming out each time.