Malinda Lo

Today my latest Notes & Queeries column was published on AfterEllen.com. This month I watched the DVD of the first season of Logo’s sitcom Exes & Ohs, which is sort of like a lesbian Friends, and while watching it I was struck by something that one of the lead characters says: “Being single is a choice; being gay isn’t.”

It reminded me of my own experience of coming to grips with that — not the fact that being gay isn’t a choice, but the part about how being single is. It took me a while to get there, and I think that’s because when I was coming out, there were no examples of successful gay adults to look up to, either on TV or in my real life. While I had Friends and countless other TV shows, movies, books and real-life examples to teach me how to be a heterosexual, there was nothing out there for us gays. The only things you could see on TV or in movies about being gay revolved around coming out, not what happened afterward.

And you know what? After you come out, you’ve got your whole life to live as an out gay person. That involves dating. As one of the more socially awkward types, I had to learn how to do it with no examples to follow, as I’m sure many gay folks have experienced.

The thing I like about Exes & Ohs is that it delves into dating with a light-heartedness that makes all the complicated stuff seem OK. It’s not as melodramatic as The L Word, which means it makes life as a lesbian seem much more doable. If only I had been able to see this show back when I was 19!

But luckily it’s there now. I’m always amazed at how many more examples are out there for queer teens these days, from South of Nowhere on TV to YA novels with matter-of-factly lesbian best friends like Dairy Queen. But that’s a subject for another day …

Meanwhile, check out my column, “Notes & Queeries: The Wisdom of Exes,” on AfterEllen.com.